October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, a time when advocates, survivors, and communities across the country unite to share difficult conversations about domestic violence victims and bring hope to solving this serious problem that spends most of the year in the dark, shrouded in fear and shame.
It has been nearly a year since Hegira Health's training manager and widely recognized domestic violence prevention advocate, Kelly Ann Mays, was murdered by her estranged husband at her apartment in Westland. We reeled in shock, despite being well aware of the long-standing violence in their relationship. I wrote about it and spoke about it, privately and publicly. Shamefully, when the immediate trauma subsided, we all let the horror of domestic violence in and among us, find its way back into the closet -- where adults are regularly harmed, threatened, even killed, and where our children learn that violence is normal, are emotionally and, in many situations physically, scarred for life only to repeat the cycle of violence in their own adult lives.
According to the National Children Traumatic Stress Network, in up to 60% of households where there is violence between adults, the children in the home are also directly physically abused.
The Michigan Victim Advocacy Report warns us that domestic violence has profound and lasting impact on children who witness or experience it, Children exposed to domestic violence are at risk for emotional, behavioral, and cognitive challenges, even if they are not direct victims of the abuse. Reported by Anna Nichols in Michigan Advance (October, 2023), children who grow up where domestic violence occurs are 2 to 5 times more likely to attempt suicide and 50% more likely to develop a substance use disorder.
The US Department of Justice reports that children who grow up witnessing domestic violence are 2 to 3 times more likely to be involved as an adult in a violent relationship. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence tells us that boys who witness violent relationships in their homes while growing up, are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children.
On March 13, 2024, the National Domestic Violence Hotline marked their 7 millionth contact since its inception in 1996; a sobering milestone. The prevalence of domestic violence across our communities is astounding. Everyone knows someone living in a violent relationship, and in many cases, you don't even know who that is. In a 2020 study conducted by the University of Michigan, about 15% of more than 1000 Michigan women surveyed reported experiencing intimate partner violence.
Domestic violence knows no income, zip code, level of education, race, ethnicity, religion, marital status, sexual orientation, gender or gender identity. It is down your street, in your office, in your classroom and at your book club and gym.
Why is this obviously dangerous, damaging wide-spread societal problem so difficult to impact?
Frequently considered a private matter by both the abuser and victim, it is exactly that privacy that allows the perpetrator to breakdown the defenses of the victim and continue to assert abusive control. The abused individual in the situation frequently feels ashamed, trapped, fearful for self and or their children, ineffective, and even responsible, making leaving, despite the obvious hurt, more unbearable than the abuse itself. Family members, in many cases who were victims themselves, share the feelings of impotency, and fear that intervening will worsen the violence.
Everyone needs to be educated about what domestic violence looks like and how to guide victims to get help. Fears for physical safety and the psychological complexity of this problem frequently results in the need for multiple interventions over time to create change. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with others. As a family member or friend looking in, it can be difficult to understand why that person just doesn't leave. Be supportive and careful not to project your own situation onto a situation that is anything but, like yours.
If any of the following describes behaviors in your relationship, or in the relationship you have observed of your family member, your friend or co-worker, engage or encourage professional help:
* Shoving, slapping, punching, or threatening aggressive behavior.
* Aggression in response to making an effort to leave the relationship.
* Demeaning, humiliating, fear-provoking or intimidating verbal or physical behaviors.
* Coerced or forced sexual intimacy.
* Partner behavior that creates isolation from family or friends.
* Financial dependency as a result of purposeful mismanagement of funds, such as draining bank accounts, running up debt or ruining the other partner's credit.
If your life includes any of these examples of abuse and or violence, or if someone you care about is being abused, for no-cost and immediate help contact: