I'm hurt that my partner said I'm not self-sufficient as an off-handed comment. I told them this upset me in the moment. We talked and they said they regret the comment, but I'm still hurt. I am the primary parent for a 4- and 6-year-old. I wake up early to clean, pack lunches, and dress and take the kids to school. I set up playdates and handle the after-school activities as well. I cook most nights. I work full-time. I'm usually on the raggedy end of tired. I'm not upset by this arrangement -- I knew things would be like this before kids. My partner is a physician and has a medical condition that requires that they get plenty of sleep. I rarely have the opportunity to ask for help and must be self-sufficient to make it to the end of most days. I feel unseen and hurt by this off-handed comment. How should I move forward?
I would maybe start by asking yourself how often your partner has made dismissive comments like this. Does this seem like a pattern, or a one-off, thoughtless remark? Either way, it's not great -- even a one-time asshole remark is a warning sign, and it makes total sense that you were hurt by it. But if they have a whole history of belittling you and ignoring your contributions, that's a more serious problem.
I have to say, it really doesn't sound like your partner has anything going on that gives them a pass to say something so rude to you. Nor do I see why they should get to ignore the kids' needs while you scramble to meet them all by yourself. They have a demanding job -- so what? You literally never stop working! Many people with medical conditions and/or other limitations are good parents and supportive partners. If your partner won't try to do that, they should at least recognize all the work you're doing without their help, and refrain from disrespecting or judging you.
Their comment suggests that they don't really see, let alone value, all the work you do for your shared household. I'm guessing they also haven't thought much about the fact that doing it all by yourself leaves you exhausted all the time. It's worth seriously considering whether the current situation is sustainable for you. Your kids are quite young; parenting them will be exhausting for a while yet. It will be even harder if your partner won't show you basic courtesy and respect.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter, "Violet," has been best friends with "Stella" since kindergarten. Stella was shy and anxious (and autistic, although we didn't know that at the time) and Violet was outgoing and impulsive (and has since been diagnosed with ADHD). Their teacher often paired them up to help balance each other out. The two of them just seemed to get each other and bonded quickly. They've been placed in the same class every year since and go to reading support together, just the two of them, every day. Stella's family jokingly refers to Violet as Stella's "emotional support human," and Stella is the kind of friend I always hoped that Violet would be lucky enough to have.
Violet and Stella are currently in fifth grade, and will be moving from our small neighborhood elementary school to the much larger middle school next year. I'm not sure they'll be in reading support together, never mind regular classes. I've brought this up with Violet, but she seems confident that she'll be placed in classes with Stella just like she always has. In the long term, I think that being in separate classes will probably be for the best. Their closeness verges on codependency at times, so being more independent will probably be good for them. We live on the same block, so they'll still ride the bus together and be able to hang out after school. I am a little worried about how Violet is going to handle the split in the short term. Is there a way to prepare her that will soften the transition, or is this something we just need to deal with when it happens?
When it comes to this and everything else related to the middle school transition, I think you can just keep trying to preview what may be ahead for Violet. Encourage her to let you know how she's feeling about middle school; if she has questions at any point, ask parent friends or reach out to the school and try to find answers. Assuming that her current school is on the ball, they'll also be talking to the fifth-graders about this throughout the year, trying to help them all be as ready as they can be.
Rather than suggesting it as a possibility, you should be clear with Violet that Stella likely won't be in all her classes, even if they luck out and wind up in a few together. She may feel anxious or sad about it, or about some other aspect of the middle school transition. Reassure her that everyone is nervous when they go to a new school -- the change may be scary or tough at times, but you also think that middle school will be good for her in lots of ways, one being that she will have the opportunity to make new friends. Stella will still be there for her.
You have almost half a school year remaining, so there's also time to encourage Violet in developing other friendships in school or extracurricular activities (while not neglecting Stella, of course). If she can widen her circle of close friends, even by just one or two kids, it will help build her confidence when it comes to making new friends next year.
I am white, and my 11-year-old daughter's father, who passed away several years ago, was black. My daughter has darker skin and black textured hair, which clearly reflects her mixed heritage.
"Anna" is my daughter's best friend. They do everything together. My work schedule gives me the ability to drop them off every morning at school, and since I work from home, they both usually come to our house after school. I often take them on outings, and Anna's parents do the same.
Recently, my daughter confided in me that while she loves spending time with Anna, she hates when I'm around. Anna and I both have pale skin, brown hair, and wear glasses, which makes us look superficially more similar to each other than I do to my daughter. Apparently, most kids at school think that I'm Anna's mom, since we're both white, and I drop her off at school every morning. I'm not really sure what to do. I never experienced this myself growing up. I can see how much it affects my daughter and her self-esteem. There are other black/POC kids at her school, but the vast majority of our town is white.
I'm not going to tell you that your daughter has to just wait the basic people out or get over it; she doesn't have to, and she might not. But as an adoptee raised in a white family, I will hazard a guess that, at a certain point, those tired assumptions and microaggressions probably will take up less real estate in her brain -- she'll still notice, and she'll push back or mock them or just vent about it, but she will also recognize that those things have everything to do with other people and absolutely nothing to do with her, and meanwhile she has her whole life to get on with.
No, you don't have personal experience with what your daughter is going through. I'm not going to pretend that you don't have some extra work to do, work that won't always be easy or comfortable for you as a white person (nor should it be). But even if you did share a racial identity with your child, you would still have no control over what ignorant people say to her out in the world. What you have considerably more control over is how you choose to raise her.
How will you encourage her to love and take pride in who she is? How will you talk with her about her heritage and identity? How will you support and advocate for her when she encounters racism even worse than the microaggressions at school? Are there things you need to learn or do in order to be more aware, more proactive, more affirming?
It's really good that your daughter was able to tell you how she feels about you being mistaken for Anna's mother, and how bothered she is by other people's assumptions. Many kids wouldn't have; they'd have kept that burden for themselves. It's a sign that she trusts you to listen and not dismiss her feelings -- if she thought you truly couldn't understand at all, she wouldn't have bothered telling you. Let her know that it's ok for her to be annoyed or upset by these things when they happen, and when she's ready, help her think and talk through how she wants to respond (or not). If it feels important to make her teachers aware, you can also do that. You can't keep your child from encountering ignorant people -- at school or anywhere else -- but you can make sure she knows that you are her strongest advocate, and you are always there for her.
-- Nicole
I have a 2-and-a-half-year-old son with a common food allergy. Our family and friends are well aware, and he is happily learning practices that keep him safe, like wearing a medical bracelet, declaring his allergy, and remembering to bring his backpack with his medication with us when we leave the house. He does not yet attend school or daycare and spends all his time with trusted adult family members, so I've focused more on teaching him to be ready for when a reaction happens and letting adults manage prevention. What has become a challenge is keeping him safe around his grandmother, who has declining mental faculties.